| I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. |
| Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. |
| I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. |
| Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. |
| Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. |
| We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. |
| Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. |
| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. |
| Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. |
| If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. |
| We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. |
| Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. |
| War does not determine who is right - only who is left. |
| Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. |
| Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up. |
| Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. |
| My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. |
| Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. |
| The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. |
| Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. |
| Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity. |
| If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong... |
| To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. |
| If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. |
| A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.. |
| If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it? |
| If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments. |
| Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. |
| How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? |
| Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. |
| Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? |
| I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. |
| A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. |
| Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. |
| Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do? |
| I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian |
| A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. |
| I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. |
| I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?" |
| The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. |
| Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? |
| God must love stupid people. He made SO many. |
| The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. |
| Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. |
| Good girls are bad girls that never get caught. |
| Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? |
| Crowded elevators smell different to midgets. |
| Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. |
| You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. |
| Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise. |
| A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. |
| The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! |
| The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. |
| Laugh at your problems, everybody else does. |
| Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. |
| Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. |
| It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end. |
| Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. |
| He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame. |
| We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control. |
| A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. |
| My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. |
| Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. |
| Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. |
| I intend to live forever. So far, so good. |
| I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. |
| When in doubt, mumble. |
| Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower. |
| Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen. |
| Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. |
| My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. |
| A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." |
| Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. |
| Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. |
| I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die. |
| Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole. |
| I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch. |
| There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. |
| I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. |
| I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours |
| I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila. |
| When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. |
| I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." |
| You're never too old to learn something stupid. |
| Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil. |
| You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often. |
| To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. |
| With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. |
| A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist. |
| Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone. |
| If winning isn't everything why do they keep score? |
| A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. |
| Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. |
| If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you! |
| Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here." |
| Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever. |
| A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. |
| Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. |
| Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one. |
| If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child. |